Serious Medical Page
Dr Andy McBrandy writes in this months "TB and TB People" Journal about the effects on the human immune system of not drinking enough cheap red wine at less than £1 a bottle.
Interviewer: "So Dr McBrandy, what work have you done in this particular area to date?"
Dr McBrandy: "Well, take my most recent case study, I infected two previously healthy brothers with the spittle of the dreaded beast of Croftersdale. Likewise I added similar amounts of the beasts venom to the air, food and living quarters of two soft Southern caving boys. The only differences being that the two brothers, shall we call them type A, were fed a liquid intake of expensive red wine and homme tea. The soft Southern boys, shall we call them type B, were fed red wine at less than £1 per bottle and real mans tea."
"The effects were remarkable, type A immediately succumbed to the beasts deadly spittle and soon developed symptoms including death rattles, hacking coughs, the wanting of early nights and general inability to hold their ale. Whereas type B shrugged off all of the beasts attempts to infect their manly bodies and were able to stay up late into the night talking shite."
Figure 1.1: A plot of Type A and Type B infection rate versus time exposed
Interviewer: " So what implications does this have for the human race at large?"
Dr McBrandy: "Well I must first point out that this experiment started to go horribly wrong, the beast was supposed to live its life in the confines of a petri dish, however a careless student trod on it and carried it on their feet to the Brookhouse café in Clapham. There amongst the lard and grease it was able to grow a huge belly and immense storage capacity for its spittle ejection. Thus, in theory, its nastiness could be carried to lands foreign."
Interviewer: " I see……..But when did you start the experiment on these four boys?"
Dr McBrandy: "Aarrgh……….Well it was actually after they had elected to go on a well deserved holiday…ha…ha…ha…!"
Interviewer: "God man…. Do you know no human decency?"
Dr McBrandy: "Well screw them…….It got me an article in this months journal didn't it!"
Interviewer: "So, what of these poor unfortunates? What possible salvation can they look forward to?"
Dr McBrandy: "Well sir, I can but hope that they follow my advice and stick to the vino at less than £1 a bottle, oh and no more homme tea for those brothers…..and may God have mercy on their souls."
Interviewer: "Thank you Dr McBrandy."
Footnote: Since the publication of this article Dr McBrandy has been transferred to the Institute of Mad Bob McMad in Dar es Salam to investigate the combined effects of bullets and cricket bats on the heads of chicken poachers.